Post Partum Anxiety: Airport edition

I got the bright idea to fly to Orlando with Jett because one, he was free as long as he sat in my lap and second, he doesn’t do well in the car. So the thought of having him in the car for over 8 hours didn’t sound appealing in the slightest. So, I said I’d book a cheap Frontier or Jet Blue flight and the older boys and my husband could drive there. Once I went to book my flight the panic set in, the anxiety I didn’t even know I had. With the cheaper airlines, you don’t get to pick your seat. So the thought of not knowing where we’d be sitting sent me into a bit of a spiral. I looked into paying more for that luxury, add a carry on because toddlers need stuff and a stroller and with the price only increasing more and more I had to face it. It started to become clear that I wasn’t going to feel comfortable unless I went with American Airlines and selected my seat. So I booked our flight, on the way there we would be in the middle of 3 seats, not ideal but it was fine as long as my seat mates liked kids. On the way back I got an aisle seat and was closer to the front of the plane and that gave me some peace.

I was fine all the way up until the day of the flight. The boys and my husband left super early that morning in hopes to meet us at the airport in Orlando when we landed. They took all the luggage including all the shower things so I took a shower late the night before. As I’m getting Jett and I ready to head out the door and head to my father in laws (he was giving us a ride to the airport so I could leave my car at his house), my stomach had an uneasy feeling right away. My mind started to spiral with all the what ifs that could happen. What if the half of our family that was driving got in a terrible accident? What if Jett and I got in an accident, and from there the anxiety grew and grew and it was then that I realized I shouldn’t have stopped for that latte with the extra espresso shot. I didn’t express my fears out loud, I got Jett’s carseat installed into my father laws car, grabbed our couple of things and we rode to the airport. It was there that I was starting to physically shake, feel myself tearing up and felt almost dizzy from the anxiety. I took a photo of my father in law with Jett at drop off, almost as a way to mark where we were last seen, how dark is that? I got Jett into his stroller and immediately started inside, I headed to the ticket kiosk and my hands were shaking so bad I could barely pull up my QR code for my ticket on my phone. I was trying to take deep breaths, stare at my smiling adorable child but none of it was working. I was a wreck. I then started seeing security everywhere and started thinking how suspicious I must look, the hand shaking, the constant checking my phone, the fidgeting with my boarding pass and my shaky voice as I spoke to Jett. What is wrong with me? I can’t believe I’m acting like this, I’ve been on planes many time before and have actually always preferred it to driving. But here in this moment I’m a mess and as we stand in line for security my mouth is starting to dry up and I can feel my blood sugar dropping and I’m telling myself “don’t you dare pass out”. It’s so dumb, I have no reason to be nervous, I have no reason to think I’m going to be flagged by security and I’m so early for my flight, there’s no way I’m going to miss it.

We make it through security and a sweet old lady in front of us helps me put Jetts shoes back on, because as if getting his bag checked, my shoes off, him out of his stroller and stroller up on the conveyor belt wasn’t enough, I had to take his shoes off too. So he’s losing it in the security line because he just wants his shoes on and his stroller back. I start to head towards our gate and I’m like, girl, stop and get some water, a snack, change his diaper and go to the bathroom yourself. I get to the bathroom and barely make it to a stall before I throw up. My anxiety has shaken me to my core and I’m sobbing in an airport bathroom, with my toddler staring at me from his stroller and I call my husband. He does his best to console me but even I don’t know what I need. What’s funny is how worried I was about how Jett would act on the plane and bringing enough to entertain him, the last thing on my mind was how I’d be.

We make it to the terminal and I’m doing my best to keep him entertained while we wait. I then start to worry if his stroller is a carry on and if they’ll let it on the plane or if I’ll be charged with it. And instead of just asking the lady at the check in desk I start panic googling and scrolling. So dumb. I’m so mad at myself. The stroller is totally fine, I just have to hand it to someone at the end of the Jet bridge before we get on the plane ourselves. We finally board and sit between two guys. One is young and listening to music in his headphones the moment we got on the plane, the other one is an older man who is dead set on taking a nap as he sets up his neck pillow and ear plugs. Jett and I are fine. I am fine. Jett leans forward and grabs the safety brochure from the seat in front of us and this weirdly calms me. I study it every single time I get on a plane, because I want to always be prepared. I’m starting to calm, but still feeling a little icky, it’s not until the plane actually lifts off that I can feel the weight lift off of my chest and I can actually enjoy this first time experience with Jett. And y’all, he was great. Did he love pulling the tray table down and smacking it back up to the seat in front of us, yes. But other than that he didn’t try to wriggle out of my lap, run down the aisle and run into the cockpit (yes this was one of the scenarios that crossed my mind). He snacked, he drew on his little drawing board and we watched Frozen on my phone.

I had planned on creating content on traveling with a toddler and having so much fun just me and Jett but my anxiety ruined all of that. Once we got to the airport in Florida I was fine. Did I have almost 3 hours to kill because my husband made multiple trips on the way down there including a 40 minute trip at Buckees? Yes. Did I walk a ridiculous amount of miles around that airport (y’all it’s huge!), trying to find the actual Disney store to only then be told it was on the outer side of the airport and I’d have to go back through security again to get back into the airport? Yep, that too. But we also made it to Macaroni Grill where Jett had fallen asleep in his stroller on the walk so I was able to enjoy my pasta and glass of red wine in peace. My phone was dying and I was worried I wouldn’t be able to contact my husband when he made it to the airport, but it all worked out. We made it, the other half of my family was fine and I just couldn’t wait to get to our Disney resort and relax and prepare for the week ahead of us.

I wish I had a way to tell you if you experience anxiety like this, how to handle it, but I don’t. I share this mostly for that one person out there that feels dumb for feeling this way, and it may help them to see it’s not just them. They’re not nuts, well maybe we both are, but they’re not alone. I’ve included some photos of our flight there, and our airport adventures. I could bore you with the story of our ride back, but it was just as nerve wracking but also just fine. The only plus side to the ride back was that I only had to wait for my father in law at the airport, and he was right on time! He’s the best.